Do You Long For Stillness ~ Episode Five

Do You Long For Stillness…..

You are turned away from me as I ask you.

It is early in the morning and you have run out of things to check on your phone. You sit, dejected, feeling that you have missed out. You know how social media does that: makes you feel you have missed the proverbial boat. So you sit, like a lonely dinghy in a random, internal dock, feeling less-than.

Do you long for stillness? I ask again, in a low voice.

It would appear that your lonely reverie has taken you off down an internal river of rejection.

I see tears come into your eyes and you turn away, embarrassed and vulnerable.

I stay still and wait. I think the tears are important, the internal river must be made manifest… words follow: you tell me how you don’t know how to be still. You have forgotten how to do it. You used to know, you used to be still for hours at a time, but now it feels elusive, like trying to touch fog, impossible to hold, just a dream, an ambition, a failure on your part, somehow.

I put my hand out and you hold it, eyes closed, tears gently falling. If you need a reminder of how to become still enough to play in these realms please go back to Episode One and revisit A dive, a dip, a trip

A Terrible Thing Has Been Done….

To us. To all of us. To each and every individual one of us. No one has been spared.

We have been seduced into wanting more. Way, way, way, way more than we could ever hold. And in that we have have been sold a bill of goods: cheated, if you will. Tricked. Swindled. Duped. Grifted. Hoodwinked.

We have been told we can Have It All. All of It. Every last scrap of It. We deserve It. You Are Worth It: The credit, the mortgage, the Bitcoin, the Fame, The Body, The Surgery, The Child, The Love, The Lover, The Orgasm, The Mansion, The 6 Pack, The Beach, the list goes on and on and you, we, I, all of us, we keep pulling the list towards ourselves, never finding the point where It is Enough.

We lift, heave, ourselves up and out of reality in our wanting more, more, more, more, more. madly scrabbling and reaching out to get to the end of the list…. But also never believing that ANYTHING could ever be enough.

More food. More money. More love. More dreams. More music. More movies.

And we want it all NOW. Right NOW. And actually NOW is not quick enough. Instant Gratification no longer Cuts the Mustard. The hunger is rampant and insatiable. It gallops and roars around, randomly now, mouth agape, bigger than a whale! The insatiable need for more…..

I am exhausted just trying to describe to you your gorging hunger.

It is so utterly rampant that it has become furious.

And now it begins to hurt as you are quietly becoming aware of how awful this pain actually is.

You begin to notice, in small moments, that there is no peace, there is no stilling or silencing the beast of longing that has been created in this time.

You can feel the ranging pacing, the swaying of the need, the rocking side to side as you try to rise further up, lean further in, step closer to possibly feeling full, satiated, replete.

But feeling full is a hollow promise. It is an impossibility, an illusion….

We sit back together now. Your hand in mine.

How Did We Get Here?

And more importantly; How Do We Get Out of Here!

As Time Goes By…. And it does go by, surprisingly fast…..

I can begin to feel as though I repeat myself, and I am fairly sure, that in some ways, I do, and at the same time, as time goes by, surprisingly fast…. Are you actually noticing how long you are taking to literally

“Do Nothing About It…”

Infinitely easier just to Slide up to Instagram, Roll over into Facebook, Nip into Netflix and Tuck into Amazon. “I’ll only be a Moment…” we say to ourselves, it is a treat, and after all:

I am Worth It…..

And Boom! Years have flown by, looking at the same Stuff, feeling the same pull, for the same low thrill of turning away as you put it down thinking…. Why Did I do That…. Again?

When will I ever learn to stop?

It does Go By Surprisingly Fast, Time….

And you are left feeling less than, left out, wrong somehow, exhausted, frustrated and drained. Lying there, Limp & Discarded, failed, utterly, by quite so many empty promises.

And yet, the next time you want a little Bump, a Nudge, a Little Hit of Negativity…. . There you are, hand reaching out, gaze searching for….

And it is impossible to stop yourself.

And we are caught in a loop, round and round and round.

Eternity Beckons and I ask you Do You Long For Stillness?

I Am Playing A Game

Will you join me? This game has parts, it takes time, and it takes commitment. A month of your commitment.

You are lying, sprawled out on the sofa now, recovering from your latest bout of browsing the internet, looking for something to entertain you, by doing the same thing again and again and again…. Brilliant.

You give me a scathing, withering look and return to checking the news, stabbing at the blood red graphs and snorting derisively at someone’s hair.

“Can you believe…. “

I Am Playing A Game, I interrupt you. You are not pleased. You were just getting onto your High Horse and I have gone and tripped you up!

Harrumph, you sigh, dropping the screen down onto your chest, keeping it nice and warm while your attention has been diverted away.

I have decided: We will only exist in natural light for a month!

I Have Announced. Now it must happen.

From the day you read or listen to this see if you can be, live, exist in tune with Nature’s Circadian Rhythm.

This means that in the morning at evenings, no artificial light. Candle light only, for cooking, eating, reading, playing cards, getting ready for bed.

When you go to the bathroom before bed, don’t turn on that gleaming white light! Take a small torch or a candle with you.

In the grey and raining dawn, light a candle or 6! Do not curse the light or the weather, be with it, work with it.

I am with you. I have been playing with this since the 21st of June, building the relationship, in the Northern Hemisphere, as the days get darker by 5 minutes every 24 hours.

Can you agree to join me? To step out, aside, away, from the endless loop of repetition, longing and wanting?

This is way more exciting than The News, or Facebook!

I am Thrilled that you are so appalled.

I know you think you know my tricks by now but this one has you Aghast and Frankly I am Thrilled.

This is brilliant. I am animated and so happy to be Consciously Choosing to Actually Be With Nature. Every Day, night and day, for a whole month. I am verging on Triumphant.

You, meanwhile, are holding your phone to your chest with both hands now. Clutching may actually be a better word. You are staring wildly into the middle distance in a state of Absolute Panic.

A Breath To Soothe Your Soul

I can see you are Horrified and need to be soothed now.

You need to be cajoled. I can tell.

You are not happy. I can tell.

You are tipping into a Sulk. I can tell.

Come and sit with me, let me show you a wonderful

Breath to Soothe Your Soul

Oh! My Soul? Where do I keep my Soul? You have brightened considerably now, and even left your magical phone over on the sofa.

It is said that your Soul resides in the centre of your chest.

Until you are ready to uncover your awareness of your Soul it is said to be shadowed and hidden within. When you do the work to uncover this part of Yourself it becomes Apparent and glows with a luminous Gold Light.

Imagine your chest with just vast space inside, like the Interior of a Beautiful  Gothic Cathedral. A great soaring internal space within you. See it as quite dark, yet you know it is vast. It is still, peaceful and quiet, you are the only person there.

You have not closed your eyes but are looking at me, smiling.

You like what I am saying and have a thousand questions.

Let’s play together with this breath first, let me show you how, and see what happens afterwards, shall we? I suggest, smiling and encouraging you with my kind gaze.

Do as I do.

You are enthusiastically obedient and sit tall and straight with your legs crossed, and copy me.

Bring your left elbow up with the palm down in front of your throat, so your arm is bent and parallel to the ground, palm down at the level of your clavicle but not touching your chest. Do the same with the right arm and hand, palm down, about 4 inches above the left, but below your chin. You hands are parallel to each other, one above the other, 4 inches apart, below your chin.

Look down your nose, at your hands, I know, I know, it is strained and odd, and open your mouth.

You are going to breathe in and out through an open mouth and you will use your stomach muscles to breathe.

You look up at me.

Eyes down! Breath through your mouth. Your breath will be short at first, only a few, maybe 3 or 4 seconds, but as you get used to the feeling of using your belly muscles you can increase the breath length, ideally to 10 seconds on both the inhale and the exhale. Your breath will sound strange.

Breathe really slowly, making a hollow sound. And as you breathe begin to see yourself inside this Beautiful Cathedral. See a single shaft of light falling on you from high above.

Notice the light falling onto the York Stone floor at your feet.

As you continue to breathe in this way see that with each breath, more light comes down upon you. Beautiful shafts of light, as though each breath is clearing the soot and dust away from this Glorious Soul of Yours.

Every breath illuminates you, and your interior beauty, the Soaring Lines of the Interior of You.

And Breath by Breath you become bathed in a rich Golden Light.

And at the end, don’t move, just lower your hands and bask in This Exquisite Bliss. The Space, The Presence.

Play This Game With Me….

You are peaceful, swaying gently, with the Lumbar Cerebral Spinal Fluid Pulse.

You have seen things you did not know could be seen.

You were so still. Did you notice how Amazing it was to let the shadows and the dust fall away and reveal the

Light and The Beauty That Is You?

Did you see? Did you see that space, the perfection, the stillness that is there, within you, All the Time, waiting to be uncovered, to be revealed, to be shown, to be seen….

Was it bearable? Could you Bear The Beauty?

What a question! How could I ask you that question, without due warning, fair process, a week’s notice? You look up at me from where you are now lying on your stomach on the floor, one hand under your chin, the other dragging a thread in circles on the floor with your little finger.

How are you supposed to answer, you ask me. And you look up at me, smiling….

Tell Me What You Have Seen….

You ask me and take me Completely by Surprise.

Shall I Tell You What I have Seen? Can I? Should I?

It is an impossible ask.

I am Floored.

I am Flawed.

I am Genuinely Never Asked.

No One Ever wants to Know what I have seen.

They want what they perceive I know. Information is Power, it seems, and needs to be taken by stealth, by any means, to be scurried away with, to Devour Alone. To be collected, digested and regurgitated.

Yet no one seems to notice that what I know does not touch What I Have Seen.

How to express what I have seen, as though it was just one thing.

A statement needs to be made. You are Asking Me, looking up at me, expectant, verging on impatient, using your eyebrows to encourage me.

You are asking me something wildly gigantic and Yet:

I have no edge, no defining line, no wall, no ledge, no mantelpiece, against which to lean my elbow nonchalantly upon, long trousered legs, excellent Shoe Karma, one ankle crossed over the other, as I play with the nail on one of my index fingers and look up at you from my lowered brow, one eyebrow raised, half smiling, flirting with you

because

In all my years I have seen so Many Things that are beyond your Wildest Dreams, your most Vivid Imaginings. Things that Transcend this Mortal Coil and at the same time seen things that descend to the depth of your Perceptions of Hell.

I have Astral Travelled, Aetherically Travelled, Breathed my way to Altered States, Sat with Kali, Mediated, yes, Mediated with Spirits, Psychedelically Enhanced my Perception, Naturally Born Children, Been a drug taking alcoholic, Been Clean & Sober 30 years,

and today you ask me to tell you what I have seen.

How Long Have You Got, Beautiful Person, and where shall I start?

And, more than anything….  are you really quite sure you want to know….

Because You, Darling Brave Reader, can turn away now, smiling, and say you were only joking.

To experience Carolyn Cowan in class or workshop please visit her website Credits: Text, video & concept – Carolyn Cowan. Film star: Isadora Hugo. Video edit: Tom Vereker. Sound Mix: Tati Rabell, Layout: Sophie Budden. Music is a track entitled To KafarDel. It is a mix of the vocals of Mohammadreza Shajarian and the ambient sounds of Olafur Arnaulds bound together by Sepanta whose elegant mixing can be found on Soundcloud by clicking here. Read: Waking Up to the Dark: Ancient Wisdom for a Sleepless Age by Clark Strand.

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