Come near me and I will kill you. Ok, maybe not actually kill you….
But I want to….
Come near me and I will shrivel away from you.
Come near me and I will shrink….
Come near me and my throat will tighten….
Come near me and I will turn away…..
How Do I Resent Thee…. Let me count the ways…. And how long have you got?
Just asking…. This will take a while.
I have a wall of anger towards you. It is a large, high, wide, deep, strong, dark, insurmountable wall made up of
Every time you have hurt, betrayed, ignored, abandoned, forgotten… ME.
Each time I look at you, hear your voice, see your coat hanging by the door, I feel the wall. I hit the wall. It rises in me like a wall made of bile.
I have a wall of irritation towards you. When you drive me, when you leave your damp toothbrush dribbling on the sink in a stain of blue spit…. I clench my jaw, I inhale.
I have a wall of visceral reactivity to touching you. At night, accidentally in bed, passing the jar of marmalade, touching you when I try to pass with out contact. I want to leap away, wipe my body, wash my hand.
I have a wall of loathing when I hear you eating, hear your jaw moving, your teeth crunching, your throat swallowing. And Arghhh! I want to scream when I hear you swallowing your tea, your water, your coffee, your saliva. I want to scream.
And I loved you so much. I caressed every inch of you. Kissed all the length of you. Sniffed, smelt, inhaled, absorbed, soaked up every moment of you. Did anything to make you love ME. Pulled every card I possibly had to wrench your gaze around to ME, only ME, only ME, my silently clenched jaw and rabid eyes screamed ME!
And now. And Now.
I cannot bear you. I have you close to me, my prisoner and I think of anything but you. I scan the rooms, the crowds, the trains, the corridors for anyone other than you.
I need a new you. I newer model to lick to paw, to fawn, to hold, to battle with, to conquer and then climb over and dismiss and begin, again, the merry game of: And now. And Now. I cannot bear you. I have you close to me. I think of anything but you. I scan the rooms, the crowds, the trains, the corridors for anyone other than you.
Ah! There is the new you, across the room. Just you wait. You have no idea.
I need a new captor, I need a new jailor, I need a new person to hate and to loathe. I need a fresh, new, unsuspecting person against whom I can construct a brand new wall of hurt and loathing. This is like Christmas, it is thrillingly stimulating!
Swipe Right….. may be it is You!